My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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