The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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