Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.