I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
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There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
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I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.