$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.