So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.