I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet