what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.