Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
