but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
