I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.