Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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