Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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