phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals