Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?