I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I enjoy the company of your penis
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
