I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
