At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
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You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window