hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..