im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
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we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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