he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.