happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?