hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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