Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
