I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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