You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
as a side note pls kill me
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
