I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
