He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
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How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me