I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He better not be in your backpack
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.