Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.