wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.