When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion