when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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