Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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