To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
