In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
