You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
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You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We left an ass print on the piano.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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