i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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