dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
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do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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