This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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