dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
His hands were made for my vagina.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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