im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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