My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
