I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
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Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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