The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
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If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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