I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
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Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
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I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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