just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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