Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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