I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
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Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots