My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
do herpes really smell.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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