I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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