as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
