I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
