At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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