it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize