It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
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Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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