Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
