I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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