I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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