Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
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She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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