What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
